Jokes Page 1

Only Human's Stutter!!!!

Thanks for this one, Chelle

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a runnin start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'... and before he could say "*Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Not exactly a joke, but too funny not to include

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ass!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'ass' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'ass!' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ass, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an ass."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two asses to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called ASS #1 !!!
"Hello."
"You're an ass!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass."
Then I called ASS #2.
"Hello?" he said
"Hello, ass," I said again, without hanging up.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ass, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There I saw two asses beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better...... Anger management really works!!!

The Golfing Nun

sent by Steve and Carinna

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun. No, not yet.

As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball. "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fu*king putt, didn't you."

Navy Retirement

Sent by Marlene

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those
two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hand! s to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my weenie to my testicles." 


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two

officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.



The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."